Triggers, Safety, & Dimly Lit Tunnels.

Had a very productive morning once I forced myself out of bed.  I have started using this online alarm clock and it has been helping me quite a bit with my over sleeping issues.  I had a group at the womens center this morning, it was a 'healthy relationships' class.  I initially didn't want to go to that particular class because I thought it was about sexual and romantic relationships.  I have avoided these altogether in the past few years and thus have nothing to say about them.  It turns out the class is just about relationships in general and I actually really enjoyed it.  We talked about how to deal with 'contention' in our day to day lives and how to handle confrontation constructively.  I ended up sharing about my relationship with J and how he physically and mentally abused me while we were together. We talked about how my past history of physical and sexual abuse carries over into how I approach my current relationships, or the lack thereof, and about my PTSD and paranoia. I also talked about not knowing how to deal with the homeless junkies who hang out in the parking lot below my window and basically party all through the night making it difficult for me to sleep.  That whole thing has made me reflect more on how my perspective on the neighborhood I live in has changed since I got sober.  I just didn't realize how bad it was back when I was part of the problem.  Now every time I see a dirty needle on the ground or hear a car window get smashed out in the middle of the night it really fucking irritates me.  I haven't known how to deal with the junkies in the parking lot, even though they significantly effect my quality of life in a negative way, because I don't want to be a hypocrite and I definitely don't want to be a rat and run to the police.  It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to walk Kali to the park after the sun goes down because I know I will have to walk past them and I worry that they will attack me or try to rob me and she will get hurt. Most of them are mentally ill and / or on meth and they are just so unpredictable, it's not too far-fetched for me to think something like that might happen.  A lot of my old junkie aquaintances have gotten the idea into their heads that I think I am somehow better than them because I'm not getting high anymore.  It's true that I have cut off contact with all of my using connections, but it's not because I feel superior, I just don't need that shit in my life anymore.  Last night at 4am this guy Cielo, a homeless crackhead I used to get high with, started pounding at my door and yelling my name.  He's been kicked out of my building several times for sleeping in front of my door when I wouldn't let him in.  Obviously he woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep for an hour after he left, I just sat there with my taser in my hand staring at the door and holding Kali with my free hand. I was terrified that he would try to break in.  I thought about calling the police, but it goes against everything I believe in, and I know that getting them involved would only make things worse.  I just do not feel safe in my environment, my stress level is through the roof, and it's making my life suck.  I'm going to continue to look for a sober living house to move into but in the mean time all I can do is try to not make waves or piss anyone off.

After the group was over I walked to the clinic.  I have been walking and riding my bike more often whenever I have the energy to do so.  It keeps me from having to ride the Nasty Nine and also gives me an energy boost throughout the day.  I'm beginning to see how important exercise is, everytime I do it I feel much better, it's just working up the motivation to start that's difficult.  I rode the bus back from the clinic on my way to the Food Stamp office to turn in my recertification paperwork.  My review is in two days.  The ride to the welfare office was relatively uneventful, thankfully, and after turning in my paperwork I walked home safely.

I have written before about how uncomfortable it is to ride public transportation in San Francisco on a daily basis.  You can read about it in my post 'Muni Sucks and So Does Methadone Maintenance'   for some specific examples.  At it's best, riding the Nine is just awkward.  I was coming back from the clinic the other day and this girl I have a huge crush on sat next to me in back.  The bus was packed and she squished up against me to avoid touching the total stranger on her other side.  She said hi to me, I only managed a very quiet hi back and a shy smile before I pulled out a book and started reading to avoid having to have a conversation.  The fifteen minute bus ride, with her soft skin pressing against mine, was very tense for me.  As I exited the bus I told her to have a nice day and skittered out the back doors looking like a total tool.  I was kicking myself for hours afterwards over my inability to start a conversation or even act like a normal human being around a girl I like.  Then again it was a lot worse when I used to ride the bus stoned.  I remember one time I had just smoked two or three bowls with my hippie neighbor and had to immediately afterwards get on the bus so I wouldn't miss the clinic.  As I was walking out my front door my benefactor neighbor Uncle Tony handed me a stack of cookies and cream filled oreos.  The heavens parted and angelic voices rang out from the skies.  As I sat and ate my delicious oreos on the bus I was consumed by the feeling that everyone on the Nine was staring directly at me and watching me eat, and also that everybody knew I was stoned.  A massive samoan drag queen (she looked a lot like Divine from Pink Flamingos) got on the bus and sat in front of me and I had a very difficult time not staring at her while I ate my cookies.  I was positive that this was only happening because I was high and that the universe got a kick out of throwing weird shit in my path whenever I smoked a lot of weed.  I think I also had to go to the DMV that day.  I have since stopped smoking weed in an effort to at least try to do sobriety 'the right way' even though I do not consider weed to be a drug, much less a harmful one, and fully intend to smoke it in the future once I am more confident in my ability to abstain from more destructive substances.  More on that later, I'm sure.

When a bus ride is bad, however, it is usually really bad.  The news is full of stories about muggings, even a recent shooting, occuring on Muni vehicles.  Smart phone thefts are common, so are screaming matches between passengers and random physical altercations.  I recently saw an older black lady threaten to beat up a younger latina girl for accidentally kicking her foot when the bus stopped abruptly.  The lady was being so aggressive, and the younger girl was so obviously scared and shocked by her unwarranted anger, that I felt compelled to give up my seat for the girl so she wouldn't have to deal with the older womans abuse.  I also had a guy spit in my hair once and call me a bunch of names for accidentally stepping on his foot.  At the risk of sounding totally racist, I really gotta ask, what the fuck is it with black people and their sneakers?  The shit is on your feet, it's going to get dirty, and it's going to get kicked or stepped on by another foot at some point, it's inevitable.  People need to chill the fuck out.  As I was taking the 14 Mission to a meeting on Saturday, an older man was coming out the back door as I was getting on.  As he stepped down onto the sidewalk he reached out and grabbed my ass.  I moved away and sauid "Woah dude, not fucking cool!"  to which he merely smiled and winked at me.  It wasn't until I went to sit down that I realized my (cheap and shitty) phone was in my back pocket and thought that maybe he was actually trying to steal it instead of trying to grab my ass like I had previously assumed.  I guess I'll never know.  But yea I think you catch my drift here.  San Francisco public transportation, especially the bus, is out of control.

It's not just riding the bus that's sketchy either.  Waiting at the bus stop can be an equally unpleasant and harrowing experience.  Case in point: this is the wall of a Muni bus shelter.  The glass has been punched out and the map that usually goes underneath it has been removed or stolen, but can you see what else is wrong with this picture?

No?  Look a little closer...

That's right, now every Muni bus stop south of market comes complete with its own loaded syringe full of black tar heroin!  And you all thought there was no such thing as free dope.  Incidentally, on my way back from the meeting, I checked and it was still there.  San Francisco is a really gross city.  It would be really lovely to not have to encounter peoples dirty rigs strewn all over the fucking place on a daily basis.  I would really like to at least get out of the Downtown area as soon as humanly possible.

So anyhoo, I didn't finish sharing the last bit of my Step One work with you guys in my last blog post because I was feeling too neggy, and it was tainting my writing and such, so I will post the rest of it now.

More ways in which I would like my life to become manageable

• I would like to work through my issues about my past and be able to use my experiences to help other people and become a stronger person.  I want to stop being afraid all of the time and to feel safe.  I want to feel sane and in control of my emotions and behavior.
• I want to feel more comfortable in social situations and not feel so shy and awkward all the time.
• I would like to have a better relationship with my family.  I would like to make amends to members of my family who I have hurt and for them to forgive me as well.
• I would like to be able to take better care of my body and to feel more confident about the way I look and present myself.
• I would like to have a spiritual aspect to my life and to form a relationship with a higher power that I can trust and put faith in without being cynical and over analyzing everything to death.

Basically I just want to feel like I have control over my actions, emotions, surroundings, and how I structure my time.  I want to feel safe, happy, and cared for; not only by my family and friends, but by my higher power in whatever form it may take. I want to live a life that is productive and has meaning, I want to create beautiful things, feel accomplished, and help other people.  To me manageability would manifest mainly as a feeling of safety and security, as a sense of control over what happens to me, this is what was lacking in my life when I was actively using and was powerless over my addiction.  It is hard for me to imagine what this would really look or feel like as my life has always been chaotic in one way or another, but I have to believe that it is possible for me, this is what I am working towards.  Even if I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel, I need to have faith that it's there and keep walking, even if I have to stay in the dark for a while.

Finally picked up my 24hour and 30day chips.  I will hopefully be picking my 60 day chip up soon if all goes as planned.  I am very grateful for my sobriety today and that I get to go to bed and wake up without needing to shoot heroin.  After so many years of hopelessness and slavery to drugs and alcohol the freedom I feel is really amazing.  Even when my life seems like it sucks and everything is nasty and fucked up at least I can be happy about the fact that I'm clean. It really means a lot that I was fully ready to give up on life all together and now I have a chance to turn things around.  If I can do it, I know for a fact that anyone can, so stay strong you guys and remember to reach out to another addict or alcoholic if you need help.  I'm always here to listen or offer advice if you need it.  More later.  Take care everyone.  <3 

Hi, I'm Erica, and I'm an addict

Wanted to share a couple of things today, mainly what I am currently working on in AA for my first step. As some, but not all, of you know - the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous is...

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Obviously this is the same for drugs as well.  I go to AA as opposed to NA for a couple of reasons which I'm sure I will expand upon later.  Suffice it to say for right now that I feel like alcoholism and heroin addiction are very similar and I can almost always relate to what alcoholics say in meetings.  I consider my main problem to be my heroin addiction, but I have an addictive personality in general, if it's not one thing it's the next.  Before I ever shot dope I was binge drinking with my friends in Tompkins Square or on the rocks in Portland, Maine and waking myself up with sidewalk slams, so it applies either way.

The exact wording of this step is, in a nutshell, exactly why I got onto a clinic and started going to meetings in the first place.  I was willing to do anything at all that might help me kick my heroin addiction, I didn't know anything except for the fact that my life was out of control and I could not continue to live the way I was living.  I would honestly rather have died than live another day trapped in the nightmare of my addiction.  It is essential for me that I never forget the reality of that nightmare, the exhausting and painful personal hell I had created for myself with drugs and alcohol and mental instability.  In order to keep that reality in the forefront of my mind I need to fully understand the nature of my old life and why it was so unmanageable.  My sponsor M gave me some step work, essentially writing exercises  that help you work the steps, the first 'assignment' was to make a list of the ways in which my life had become unmanageable.  The second was to write about some of the specific instances in which my life was unmanageable.  The second list is a work in progress still but I am going to share with you my first list and also what I have done so far on the second one.

Ways in which my life as an addict had become unmanageable

• The financial cost of supporting my habit was becoming impossible to afford
• Multiple legal issues had arisen from my criminal efforts to pay for my habit
• I was losing my fucking mind, going insane
• My health was rapidly deteriorating
• My relationship with my mother especially, but also with the rest of my family, was being destroyed by my selfish actions and unwillingness to look at my addiction
• I was unemployable and had no job prospects or means with which to support myself, I was relying on my mother to pay my rent, and stealing to supply whatever else I needed
• I felt like I wasn't taking very good care of or paying enough attention to my dog, I would subject her to stressful situations, environments, and individuals while using
• I had no real friends, lots of fair-weather friends
• My level of criminality and my criminal mentality / activity continued to increase, i was consistently crossing my previously set moral boundaries, I had no rules for myself or my behavior
• I was trashing my physical experience, I looked like crap but I didn't realize it because when I'm high I think I'm hot shit
• I was frequently put into, or put myself into, situations where my physical safety and even my life was in danger (violence, overdoses, etc)
• I was frequently a victim of physical violence and intimidation, I felt afraid for my safety all the time, paranoia set in as a result
• I was surrounded by crazy, untrustworthy, mean-spirited, and dangerous people
• I felt completely hopeless, like I had no future, and I wanted to die

 In my second list I am writing about experiences I had during my addiction that illustrate how my life had become unmanageable.  This is going to be an ongoing process for me because there is just so much shit that was fucked up about my life while I was using.  I am going to be very honest here because I know I am not the only person who has been through shit like this, and I can only hope that it will help other people to read about my experiences, so I'm not going to hold back.  If you feel like making stupid comments about the shit I have been through or the shit I have done, I seriously suggest you rethink that urge.  Don't be a dick.

Times that my life was unmanagable

• I stole a hundred dollars from my mother by adding money from her bank account to a linked paypal account she helped me set up.  I did this even though she was sending me money on a regular basis at the time to pay for shipping on my ebay sales.  This is the incident that resulted in us not speaking for the past four months.  I have yet to fully take responsibility and apologize.  
• I have been arrested for shoplifting three times this year.
• I can't return to a certain east coast city because of a (hypothetical) unresolved legal issue there.  This was (theoretically) the result of multiple drug charges over the years and failures to appear in court or attend drug classes.
• I was arrested for shoplifting at Ross when I had a previous bench warrant for shoplifting.  To avoid going to jail, and because I am a lunatic when I am on heroin, I cut my wrists in the bathroom while being detained by loss prevention awaiting the arrival of the police.  The police came and had me stand at the top of the escalator, bleeding profusely.  The entire store saw me standing there in restraints with a cop holding my arm to stop my blood from flowing out of my wrist, a pool of blood already collecting on the tile floor. This was obviously a humiliating experience. I was 5150ed, brought into the hospital for mandatory psych evaluation, and held for 20 hours before being released. 
• I got into a physical altercation with the security guard at the Fillmore Safeway.  While trying to escape with stolen coffee, dog food, socks, and people food; and while holding my small dog Kali, I was thrown to the ground.  Kali easily could have been hurt.
• I used my stun gun on a Walgreens employee who caught me shoplifting in order to flee the store because I was dopesick and didn't want to go to jail.  This is especially reprehensible because I have been attacked with a stun gun myself and it was arguably the most traumatic experience of my life. (I know that I'm getting ahead of myself, but how the fuck do you make amends for something like that!?)
• When I was selling coke and heroin in large quantities on the east coast (maybe), a customer stole a spare set of keys from my apartment and gave them to a friend to rob me.  I was alone in my apartment with my dog one night when the door opened and a 6'5'' + man ran in brandishing a tazer.  He proceeded to taze me with the stun gun upwards of twenty times leaving burns all over my face, neck, and stomach, and throw me around the room breaking everything in my apartment and demanding I give him all of my money and drugs.  I fought back and screamed for help the entire time, the adrenaline coursing through my body was stronger than the zaps from the stun gun.  He tried to go towards my dog to attack her and I used every ounce of strength I had to get her out of the room and focus his violence back onto myself so she could get to safety and hide in the other room.  He finally gave up and ran out of the apartment with nothing after I managed to open the door and scream into the hallway twice for help.  This is when I noticed the keys in the door.  Looking out the window, I saw my custy, who I thought was my friend prior to this incident, drive him away in her truck.  For the next month I holed up in my friends apartment behind three deadbolted doors sitting on his bed with a loaded AK-47 beside me.  I was absolutely terrified, yet I continued to meet with my runners and sell drugs through them in order to support my massive dope habit and my addiction to making easy money.  I still frequently have nightmares and flashbacks about this experience.

That's it for now, honestly talking about that last incident makes me really uneasy so I am going to take a break and continue transcribing my list a little later.

Besides working on my first step I am going to meetings almost every day and working with my sponsor.  I am trying to challenge my own sense of inadequecy (sic?) in social settings and working on feeling more comfortable in my own skin without being high all the time.  I feel much better in general, and I am coming to terms that I am not the party girl and social butterfly I have tried to force myself to be for years and years, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, I just need to challenge myself and not isolate completely.

I shared in a group for the first time since going to meetings in San Francisco the other day.  I have been trying to listen more this time because I used to share a lot when I went to meetings and I did it for the wrong reasons.  I have no problem, as you can see, talking about myself and being introspective.  I have years of therapy and institutionalization throughout my adolescent and teenage years to thank for those lovely boundary issues. I went to the Elan School for three years growing up, if you do not know what that is I am sure I will talk about it later, and you can always look it up on Wikipedia as it has garnered quite a bit of media controversy recently.  Anyways, I have just as much to gain from listening and internalizing other peoples shares as I do from sharing myself. I talked about having blind faith in my recovery and the promises of AA, that even though I have no idea what recovery for me will look like because I have always been fucked up, I am willing to try anything that might help me get closer to happiness. 

More later, thanks for reading.  Please use the contact form or comment on this post if you have any questions / comments or just need someone to talk to.