Drained.

I spent all of today at the hospital for my worsening Hep C symptoms.  In the past month my fatigue has gotten really out of control.  Initially I attributed it to withdrawals but it hasn't gotten any better overall. I will sleep all day if I don't somehow drag my ass out of bed.  I've gotten pretty good at making it to the clinic before it closes at 2pm but some days I don't even manage that.  Last week I spent two whole days in bed and yesterday I did the same thing, sleeping all the way up to noon today.  I have blown off seven classes for my pre-trial diversion using the excuse that I have until the end of October to finish them, but at this rate I never will.  Even the threat of jail will not motivate me to wake up before noon.  I usually wake up naturally several times throughout the night and also when the sun comes up, it's getting out of bed that's the issue, I can't seem to stay awake.  I inevitably go back to sleep and then sleep past whatever it is I had to wake up for.  If I get out of bed the first time I wake up I'm okay, but it's much easier said then done.  I know this could be my depression but it is also a symptom of Hep C and my continual exhaustion feels more physical than mental.  In addition to the hypersomnia, last week when I was sick from something I ate I noticed there was blood in my vomit.  This morning I shit blood.  Lots of bright red blood.  After doing some searches online I decided to go to the hospital.

Urgent care at general hospital is directly underneath my methadone clinic.  I went there after I dosed and began the lengthy and redundant process of working my way through numerous hospital workers telling them my issues over and over again.  Someone came in to draw my blood and proceeded to stick me numerous times in dead veins, drawing no blood and hurting me, this woman refused to listen to me when I told her I have no veins on the inside of my elbow.  Those veins have been dead for years.  After butchering my arm she realized she was probably wrong and maybe I knew what the hell I was talking about.  They sent me to the ER to get my blood drawn by a more qualified technician.  At the ER I had my blood drawn again  by a slightly more competent person, but they still failed to give me the IV that had been ordered to improve my hydration.  After another multiple stabbing ordeal, a really hot med student who looked like Olivia Wilde came in and stuck her finger up my ass.  The rectal exam was positive for blood, duh, that's why I was there in the first place.  Olivia pulled a plastic speculum out of a cabinet and informed me she needed to check me for hemorrhoids and then I would go up to the OR to be prepped for a colonoscopy.  Um... No.  I left against medical advice and went home.  Not a very fun day.  Now I am scared that I am delaying the inevitable and will have to go back to get things stuck up my ass again, or that something might be really wrong with me, and it is really fucking with my head.  I fucking hate hospitals.  I wish I had thought about this kind of shit before nonchalantly infecting myself with Hep C back when I was 18, back when taking someones dirty rinse sounded like a great idea.

I am still struggling with the most basic shit.  I just don't know how to live life properly.  I just did my laundry the other day for the first time since I moved into my building.  I have lived here for almost a year.  I cannot for the life of me maintain a normal sleep cycle.  I don't have the energy to shower most days, I just recently started wearing deoderant again and brushing my teeth every day.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why is every little thing I do such an enormous task?  Everything I do leaves me feeling drained and exhausted and I just want to sleep forever while the world falls down around me.  I should really do something about my depression.  I think I am going to try to get back on psych meds, I have to do something, this is no way to live.

M gave me my last first step writing assignment, it was to write about what my life would look like if it became manageable and how I would like my life to change through my sobriety.  I'm going to share what I wrote with you guys.

Ways in which I would like my life to become manageable

• I want to feel financially secure and not have to worry about being able to afford necessities.  I don't want to have to depend on my parents or ask them for anything, I want to be financially independent and feel like I have a safety net to fall back on.
• I want to live in an environment in which I feel safe and comfortable.
• I want to feel sane and in control of my emotions and my actions.  I want to feel like I am safe and to no longer be controlled by my fears.
• I want to have friends who truly care about me and who support me and have my best interest at heart.  Friends who will not give up on me or allow me to hurt or destroy myself.
• I would like for my dog to be happy and feel secure and comfortable in her environment.
• I want to feel happy and have enough energy to wake up early and be productive throughout the day.
• I would like to have a job or some sort of creative outlet that gives my life structure and meaning.

That's all I've got for you right now maybe once my mood improves I will be able to write more, but I feel like my depression is tainting everything right now.
More later.  Stay strong everyone.