Overhwelmed by petty bullshit

I got my general assistance yesterday.  Huge relief.  The whole application process was really stressful.  I had nightmares every night leading up to the final appointment and was feeling generally extremely panicked, I even missed the appointment and had to reschedule because I had a panic attack on the way there.  But I got it finally, which is great because I really need the help.  Having no income has been really really hard and I have had nothing coming in since I quit boosting and escorting.  One less thing to worry about now.  Now I have to focus on getting the medical records I need for my SSI application and keeping up with therapy and meds, etc.

One of the things I have been struggling with lately is keeping my room clean.  I know how silly that must sound.  I live in an SRO, which means single room occupancy.  Here is what Wikipedia has to say about SROs.

'A single room occupancy (more commonly SRO, sometimes called single resident occupancy) is a multiple tenant building that houses one or two people in individual rooms (sometimes two rooms, or two rooms with a bathroom or half bathroom), or to the single room dwelling itself. SRO tenants typically share bathrooms and / or kitchens, while some SRO rooms may include kitchenettes, bathrooms, or half-baths. Although many are former hotels, SROs are primarily rented as a permanent residence.'

Basically I have to fit my entire living space into a room half the size of most peoples bedrooms.  My building does not have a kitchen onsite, I share a bathroom and a shower, and I also live with my boyfriend.  As you can imagine, space is an issue.  The twin bed that Dave and I share takes up half of the room, we also have two bikes which take up the majority of the remaining floor space.  In addition to that I have a kitchen area with a microwave, hot plates, toaster oven, and space for my dishes and food.  I have a bureau for all of our art supplies and another for all of our clothes.  I have a lot of stuff and it has been really hard to find room for everything.  If you leave one or two things out the place is basically trashed.  Dave also is not the best at keeping things clean and we constantly fight about the state of the room.  It's really depressing waking up every morning in a shithole.  Sometimes the room gets so out of control, I want to clean it, but I don't know where to start.  It's overwhelming.  I feel like in order to get any semblance of structure into my life I need to organize my living space first.  The way things are right now I can't get to any of my art supplies and have no room to work on projects.  I can barely reach my clothes and hygiene supplies because I have to climb over bikes or a bunch of Daves random crap just to get to them.  Currently there is a third bike blocking my sink.  This is the main point of contention in our relationship and to be honest, I really feel like he doesn't give a shit at all, which makes me feel like he doesn't care about me or have any respect for what I find important.

Another issue between us has been food.  We both get food stamps, around $180 a month each, which in San Francisco doesn't really amount to that much.  Historically I have spent my entire card on food and he sells all or half of his.  He's twice my size so he eats a lot more than I do.  Before we were together I usually could make my card last almost the entire month.  Now that I'm trying to feed two people it barely lasts two weeks.  At the end of the month we are left to either starve or are forced to steal food.  When I bring it up he get's angry, we fought about it this morning.  I bought a bunch of cereal on sale the other day, six boxes for $12, which I thought was a great deal and would last for a while.  Within two days he had already eaten two and a half boxes of cereal.  I said something this morning as he was finishing up the third box about how he needed to go and get his food stamp card from the GA office (he lost it at some point.)  He told me to shut up.  I really can't stand being told to shut up and don't think I should have to put up with that kind of shit from someone who is supposed to be my partner.  I told him that sometimes I had a hard time seeing the upside in our relationship past all the petty bullshit we constantly fight about.  I would say that 90% of our fights are about the room being fucked up or us not having enough food.  The fact that he won't even discuss it with me makes it worse, and I start to feel like I would be better off by myself.

Here's the thing...  if I were single I probably would be better off on certain levels.  Mainly superficial levels.  My room would look nicer, I wouldn't have to worry about food, I would get to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes to myself, I'd be able to roll over in bed, etc. etc.  I love my boyfriend though.  He's kind and understanding and he puts up with my emotional instability.  I don't want to give up on this relationship  I just don't know how to make him listen to me or how to make him see how important this shit is to me.  I know he thinks it's petty but to me it is indicative of a larger attitude of not caring about my needs and wants.  I don't really know what to do...  maybe having a place to vent will keep me from blowing up so much at Dave, because I do have a tend to hold things in until I completely freak out.

Anyways, my plan for the rest of the day is to clean up a little bit, pay back some people I owe money to, and go buy a webcam.  I want to start making more videos for my clips4sale site so I can have a little more money coming in.  I don't want to just sit back and collect welfare, I want to use my GA as a jumping off point to make more money.  Clips4sale has been a pretty decent way for me to earn an income in the past and I like making fetish videos.  I might start doing webcam shows too if I can find a decent site to work for.  That's about it.

<3 Zenith Chasing

Relapse is a part of life, My life at least...

So I haven't posted in this blog in several months.  There are a few reasons for that, the most obvious reason being that I relapsed.  Since my relapse a lot has changed in my life and also in my approach to my own personal recovery.  I have been unsure as to whether or not I wanted to continue writing this, and if I did want to continue in which direction I wanted the blog to go.   I haven't come up with any definitive answers, but I have decided that having a creative outlet is very important to my mental health, and I don't see why this blog shouldn't be that outlet.

I relapsed because I was spending too much time listening to other people and not enough time listening to myself.  I felt bad about being on methadone and being in AA.  Some people made comments, but mostly it was disparaging things that I read online on other recovery blogs and such.  This prompted me to stop taking my methadone without detoxing.  That was a really stupid idea.  Within a week I started to get really really dopesick and ridiculously depressed.  I felt like the sunshine had been sucked out of the fucking air, everything I saw was grey and pointless.  Historically when I have felt like this I have dealt with it in one way, I self destruct.  I remember when I relapsed I bought $20 worth of heroin and brought it back to my apartment.  I sat and stared at the bag for a little while before cooking it up.  Then I held the needle in my hand for some time before I actually did the shot.  I remember looking at the shot and thinking 'I haven't relapsed yet' ... then I did it anyways.  Later on after the high had worn off I called my sponsor in tears and told her what happened.  She said that she had expected me to relapse and that it wasn't a surprise.  Initially she invited me over to her house to hang out and talk but then changed her mind, probably because she has a nice house and didn't trust me to be there while I was in junkie mindset.  After that I didn't talk to her for a couple days and she didn't call me.  She said later that she was trying to give me space, but I didn't need space, I needed support.  I stopped going to AA meetings and started hanging out on Haight street a lot smoking weed and drinking with street kids.  Then I started selling meth, shortly thereafter heroin, and then I started using my own supply every now and then.  Of course I got strung out again.  That's the way the story goes.

Since then I have started a relationship with a boy named Dave.  We have been together for about ten months.  He is also an addict but we are both trying to get our shit together. He lives with me.  He is a very talented artist with a million other skills who treats me with respect and kindness.  He knows about my fucked up past and doesn't judge me for it.  I have never felt so safe around anyone in my entire life.  We have our issues but we are working on them.  He brings out a kinder, more trusting side to me that I thought was lost years ago.   Right now we are both on methadone again.  I haven't been to an AA meeting since I relapsed.  I don't plan on getting back into that scene.  Right now I am focusing on my mental health and my financial situation trying to improve both.  I started taking psych meds two months ago.  I am in counseling and I am working on applying for SSI for my bipolar disorder and PTSD.  My depression has been really bad the past few months and I've had a hard time leaving the apartment, sometimes even getting out of bed is a chore.  Sometimes I don't feel like a real person, I feel numb and like my mind is completely blank, that's another reason I want to start writing again.

My birthday was June 20th and I turned 26.  Three days later my father died.  He had been battling liver cancer for almost five years.  My father told me that one of his last wishes was to see me safe and to know that I would be okay.  I am trying to keep this in the forefront of my mind.  I miss my dad a lot.  I don't have much else to say about that right now.

Me and my Dad in Arkansas a couple years ago.

 



I am going to try and write in this at least once a week.  I'm going to try to write more honestly than before and to write for my own benefit as opposed to worrying about how what I write might be perceived.  I do want to help other people with my story but I think I need to focus more on helping myself right now, because shit has been really fucked up.  I don't want to give up on life but I can feel myself slipping away more and more each day.  This is my way of trying to grab ahold of something.  More later, thanks for reading.

<3 Zenith Chasing

Triggers, Safety, & Dimly Lit Tunnels.

Had a very productive morning once I forced myself out of bed.  I have started using this online alarm clock and it has been helping me quite a bit with my over sleeping issues.  I had a group at the womens center this morning, it was a 'healthy relationships' class.  I initially didn't want to go to that particular class because I thought it was about sexual and romantic relationships.  I have avoided these altogether in the past few years and thus have nothing to say about them.  It turns out the class is just about relationships in general and I actually really enjoyed it.  We talked about how to deal with 'contention' in our day to day lives and how to handle confrontation constructively.  I ended up sharing about my relationship with J and how he physically and mentally abused me while we were together. We talked about how my past history of physical and sexual abuse carries over into how I approach my current relationships, or the lack thereof, and about my PTSD and paranoia. I also talked about not knowing how to deal with the homeless junkies who hang out in the parking lot below my window and basically party all through the night making it difficult for me to sleep.  That whole thing has made me reflect more on how my perspective on the neighborhood I live in has changed since I got sober.  I just didn't realize how bad it was back when I was part of the problem.  Now every time I see a dirty needle on the ground or hear a car window get smashed out in the middle of the night it really fucking irritates me.  I haven't known how to deal with the junkies in the parking lot, even though they significantly effect my quality of life in a negative way, because I don't want to be a hypocrite and I definitely don't want to be a rat and run to the police.  It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to walk Kali to the park after the sun goes down because I know I will have to walk past them and I worry that they will attack me or try to rob me and she will get hurt. Most of them are mentally ill and / or on meth and they are just so unpredictable, it's not too far-fetched for me to think something like that might happen.  A lot of my old junkie aquaintances have gotten the idea into their heads that I think I am somehow better than them because I'm not getting high anymore.  It's true that I have cut off contact with all of my using connections, but it's not because I feel superior, I just don't need that shit in my life anymore.  Last night at 4am this guy Cielo, a homeless crackhead I used to get high with, started pounding at my door and yelling my name.  He's been kicked out of my building several times for sleeping in front of my door when I wouldn't let him in.  Obviously he woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep for an hour after he left, I just sat there with my taser in my hand staring at the door and holding Kali with my free hand. I was terrified that he would try to break in.  I thought about calling the police, but it goes against everything I believe in, and I know that getting them involved would only make things worse.  I just do not feel safe in my environment, my stress level is through the roof, and it's making my life suck.  I'm going to continue to look for a sober living house to move into but in the mean time all I can do is try to not make waves or piss anyone off.

After the group was over I walked to the clinic.  I have been walking and riding my bike more often whenever I have the energy to do so.  It keeps me from having to ride the Nasty Nine and also gives me an energy boost throughout the day.  I'm beginning to see how important exercise is, everytime I do it I feel much better, it's just working up the motivation to start that's difficult.  I rode the bus back from the clinic on my way to the Food Stamp office to turn in my recertification paperwork.  My review is in two days.  The ride to the welfare office was relatively uneventful, thankfully, and after turning in my paperwork I walked home safely.

I have written before about how uncomfortable it is to ride public transportation in San Francisco on a daily basis.  You can read about it in my post 'Muni Sucks and So Does Methadone Maintenance'   for some specific examples.  At it's best, riding the Nine is just awkward.  I was coming back from the clinic the other day and this girl I have a huge crush on sat next to me in back.  The bus was packed and she squished up against me to avoid touching the total stranger on her other side.  She said hi to me, I only managed a very quiet hi back and a shy smile before I pulled out a book and started reading to avoid having to have a conversation.  The fifteen minute bus ride, with her soft skin pressing against mine, was very tense for me.  As I exited the bus I told her to have a nice day and skittered out the back doors looking like a total tool.  I was kicking myself for hours afterwards over my inability to start a conversation or even act like a normal human being around a girl I like.  Then again it was a lot worse when I used to ride the bus stoned.  I remember one time I had just smoked two or three bowls with my hippie neighbor and had to immediately afterwards get on the bus so I wouldn't miss the clinic.  As I was walking out my front door my benefactor neighbor Uncle Tony handed me a stack of cookies and cream filled oreos.  The heavens parted and angelic voices rang out from the skies.  As I sat and ate my delicious oreos on the bus I was consumed by the feeling that everyone on the Nine was staring directly at me and watching me eat, and also that everybody knew I was stoned.  A massive samoan drag queen (she looked a lot like Divine from Pink Flamingos) got on the bus and sat in front of me and I had a very difficult time not staring at her while I ate my cookies.  I was positive that this was only happening because I was high and that the universe got a kick out of throwing weird shit in my path whenever I smoked a lot of weed.  I think I also had to go to the DMV that day.  I have since stopped smoking weed in an effort to at least try to do sobriety 'the right way' even though I do not consider weed to be a drug, much less a harmful one, and fully intend to smoke it in the future once I am more confident in my ability to abstain from more destructive substances.  More on that later, I'm sure.

When a bus ride is bad, however, it is usually really bad.  The news is full of stories about muggings, even a recent shooting, occuring on Muni vehicles.  Smart phone thefts are common, so are screaming matches between passengers and random physical altercations.  I recently saw an older black lady threaten to beat up a younger latina girl for accidentally kicking her foot when the bus stopped abruptly.  The lady was being so aggressive, and the younger girl was so obviously scared and shocked by her unwarranted anger, that I felt compelled to give up my seat for the girl so she wouldn't have to deal with the older womans abuse.  I also had a guy spit in my hair once and call me a bunch of names for accidentally stepping on his foot.  At the risk of sounding totally racist, I really gotta ask, what the fuck is it with black people and their sneakers?  The shit is on your feet, it's going to get dirty, and it's going to get kicked or stepped on by another foot at some point, it's inevitable.  People need to chill the fuck out.  As I was taking the 14 Mission to a meeting on Saturday, an older man was coming out the back door as I was getting on.  As he stepped down onto the sidewalk he reached out and grabbed my ass.  I moved away and sauid "Woah dude, not fucking cool!"  to which he merely smiled and winked at me.  It wasn't until I went to sit down that I realized my (cheap and shitty) phone was in my back pocket and thought that maybe he was actually trying to steal it instead of trying to grab my ass like I had previously assumed.  I guess I'll never know.  But yea I think you catch my drift here.  San Francisco public transportation, especially the bus, is out of control.

It's not just riding the bus that's sketchy either.  Waiting at the bus stop can be an equally unpleasant and harrowing experience.  Case in point: this is the wall of a Muni bus shelter.  The glass has been punched out and the map that usually goes underneath it has been removed or stolen, but can you see what else is wrong with this picture?

No?  Look a little closer...

That's right, now every Muni bus stop south of market comes complete with its own loaded syringe full of black tar heroin!  And you all thought there was no such thing as free dope.  Incidentally, on my way back from the meeting, I checked and it was still there.  San Francisco is a really gross city.  It would be really lovely to not have to encounter peoples dirty rigs strewn all over the fucking place on a daily basis.  I would really like to at least get out of the Downtown area as soon as humanly possible.

So anyhoo, I didn't finish sharing the last bit of my Step One work with you guys in my last blog post because I was feeling too neggy, and it was tainting my writing and such, so I will post the rest of it now.

More ways in which I would like my life to become manageable

• I would like to work through my issues about my past and be able to use my experiences to help other people and become a stronger person.  I want to stop being afraid all of the time and to feel safe.  I want to feel sane and in control of my emotions and behavior.
• I want to feel more comfortable in social situations and not feel so shy and awkward all the time.
• I would like to have a better relationship with my family.  I would like to make amends to members of my family who I have hurt and for them to forgive me as well.
• I would like to be able to take better care of my body and to feel more confident about the way I look and present myself.
• I would like to have a spiritual aspect to my life and to form a relationship with a higher power that I can trust and put faith in without being cynical and over analyzing everything to death.

Basically I just want to feel like I have control over my actions, emotions, surroundings, and how I structure my time.  I want to feel safe, happy, and cared for; not only by my family and friends, but by my higher power in whatever form it may take. I want to live a life that is productive and has meaning, I want to create beautiful things, feel accomplished, and help other people.  To me manageability would manifest mainly as a feeling of safety and security, as a sense of control over what happens to me, this is what was lacking in my life when I was actively using and was powerless over my addiction.  It is hard for me to imagine what this would really look or feel like as my life has always been chaotic in one way or another, but I have to believe that it is possible for me, this is what I am working towards.  Even if I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel, I need to have faith that it's there and keep walking, even if I have to stay in the dark for a while.

Finally picked up my 24hour and 30day chips.  I will hopefully be picking my 60 day chip up soon if all goes as planned.  I am very grateful for my sobriety today and that I get to go to bed and wake up without needing to shoot heroin.  After so many years of hopelessness and slavery to drugs and alcohol the freedom I feel is really amazing.  Even when my life seems like it sucks and everything is nasty and fucked up at least I can be happy about the fact that I'm clean. It really means a lot that I was fully ready to give up on life all together and now I have a chance to turn things around.  If I can do it, I know for a fact that anyone can, so stay strong you guys and remember to reach out to another addict or alcoholic if you need help.  I'm always here to listen or offer advice if you need it.  More later.  Take care everyone.  <3