Overhwelmed by petty bullshit

I got my general assistance yesterday.  Huge relief.  The whole application process was really stressful.  I had nightmares every night leading up to the final appointment and was feeling generally extremely panicked, I even missed the appointment and had to reschedule because I had a panic attack on the way there.  But I got it finally, which is great because I really need the help.  Having no income has been really really hard and I have had nothing coming in since I quit boosting and escorting.  One less thing to worry about now.  Now I have to focus on getting the medical records I need for my SSI application and keeping up with therapy and meds, etc.

One of the things I have been struggling with lately is keeping my room clean.  I know how silly that must sound.  I live in an SRO, which means single room occupancy.  Here is what Wikipedia has to say about SROs.

'A single room occupancy (more commonly SRO, sometimes called single resident occupancy) is a multiple tenant building that houses one or two people in individual rooms (sometimes two rooms, or two rooms with a bathroom or half bathroom), or to the single room dwelling itself. SRO tenants typically share bathrooms and / or kitchens, while some SRO rooms may include kitchenettes, bathrooms, or half-baths. Although many are former hotels, SROs are primarily rented as a permanent residence.'

Basically I have to fit my entire living space into a room half the size of most peoples bedrooms.  My building does not have a kitchen onsite, I share a bathroom and a shower, and I also live with my boyfriend.  As you can imagine, space is an issue.  The twin bed that Dave and I share takes up half of the room, we also have two bikes which take up the majority of the remaining floor space.  In addition to that I have a kitchen area with a microwave, hot plates, toaster oven, and space for my dishes and food.  I have a bureau for all of our art supplies and another for all of our clothes.  I have a lot of stuff and it has been really hard to find room for everything.  If you leave one or two things out the place is basically trashed.  Dave also is not the best at keeping things clean and we constantly fight about the state of the room.  It's really depressing waking up every morning in a shithole.  Sometimes the room gets so out of control, I want to clean it, but I don't know where to start.  It's overwhelming.  I feel like in order to get any semblance of structure into my life I need to organize my living space first.  The way things are right now I can't get to any of my art supplies and have no room to work on projects.  I can barely reach my clothes and hygiene supplies because I have to climb over bikes or a bunch of Daves random crap just to get to them.  Currently there is a third bike blocking my sink.  This is the main point of contention in our relationship and to be honest, I really feel like he doesn't give a shit at all, which makes me feel like he doesn't care about me or have any respect for what I find important.

Another issue between us has been food.  We both get food stamps, around $180 a month each, which in San Francisco doesn't really amount to that much.  Historically I have spent my entire card on food and he sells all or half of his.  He's twice my size so he eats a lot more than I do.  Before we were together I usually could make my card last almost the entire month.  Now that I'm trying to feed two people it barely lasts two weeks.  At the end of the month we are left to either starve or are forced to steal food.  When I bring it up he get's angry, we fought about it this morning.  I bought a bunch of cereal on sale the other day, six boxes for $12, which I thought was a great deal and would last for a while.  Within two days he had already eaten two and a half boxes of cereal.  I said something this morning as he was finishing up the third box about how he needed to go and get his food stamp card from the GA office (he lost it at some point.)  He told me to shut up.  I really can't stand being told to shut up and don't think I should have to put up with that kind of shit from someone who is supposed to be my partner.  I told him that sometimes I had a hard time seeing the upside in our relationship past all the petty bullshit we constantly fight about.  I would say that 90% of our fights are about the room being fucked up or us not having enough food.  The fact that he won't even discuss it with me makes it worse, and I start to feel like I would be better off by myself.

Here's the thing...  if I were single I probably would be better off on certain levels.  Mainly superficial levels.  My room would look nicer, I wouldn't have to worry about food, I would get to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes to myself, I'd be able to roll over in bed, etc. etc.  I love my boyfriend though.  He's kind and understanding and he puts up with my emotional instability.  I don't want to give up on this relationship  I just don't know how to make him listen to me or how to make him see how important this shit is to me.  I know he thinks it's petty but to me it is indicative of a larger attitude of not caring about my needs and wants.  I don't really know what to do...  maybe having a place to vent will keep me from blowing up so much at Dave, because I do have a tend to hold things in until I completely freak out.

Anyways, my plan for the rest of the day is to clean up a little bit, pay back some people I owe money to, and go buy a webcam.  I want to start making more videos for my clips4sale site so I can have a little more money coming in.  I don't want to just sit back and collect welfare, I want to use my GA as a jumping off point to make more money.  Clips4sale has been a pretty decent way for me to earn an income in the past and I like making fetish videos.  I might start doing webcam shows too if I can find a decent site to work for.  That's about it.

<3 Zenith Chasing

Relapse is a part of life, My life at least...

So I haven't posted in this blog in several months.  There are a few reasons for that, the most obvious reason being that I relapsed.  Since my relapse a lot has changed in my life and also in my approach to my own personal recovery.  I have been unsure as to whether or not I wanted to continue writing this, and if I did want to continue in which direction I wanted the blog to go.   I haven't come up with any definitive answers, but I have decided that having a creative outlet is very important to my mental health, and I don't see why this blog shouldn't be that outlet.

I relapsed because I was spending too much time listening to other people and not enough time listening to myself.  I felt bad about being on methadone and being in AA.  Some people made comments, but mostly it was disparaging things that I read online on other recovery blogs and such.  This prompted me to stop taking my methadone without detoxing.  That was a really stupid idea.  Within a week I started to get really really dopesick and ridiculously depressed.  I felt like the sunshine had been sucked out of the fucking air, everything I saw was grey and pointless.  Historically when I have felt like this I have dealt with it in one way, I self destruct.  I remember when I relapsed I bought $20 worth of heroin and brought it back to my apartment.  I sat and stared at the bag for a little while before cooking it up.  Then I held the needle in my hand for some time before I actually did the shot.  I remember looking at the shot and thinking 'I haven't relapsed yet' ... then I did it anyways.  Later on after the high had worn off I called my sponsor in tears and told her what happened.  She said that she had expected me to relapse and that it wasn't a surprise.  Initially she invited me over to her house to hang out and talk but then changed her mind, probably because she has a nice house and didn't trust me to be there while I was in junkie mindset.  After that I didn't talk to her for a couple days and she didn't call me.  She said later that she was trying to give me space, but I didn't need space, I needed support.  I stopped going to AA meetings and started hanging out on Haight street a lot smoking weed and drinking with street kids.  Then I started selling meth, shortly thereafter heroin, and then I started using my own supply every now and then.  Of course I got strung out again.  That's the way the story goes.

Since then I have started a relationship with a boy named Dave.  We have been together for about ten months.  He is also an addict but we are both trying to get our shit together. He lives with me.  He is a very talented artist with a million other skills who treats me with respect and kindness.  He knows about my fucked up past and doesn't judge me for it.  I have never felt so safe around anyone in my entire life.  We have our issues but we are working on them.  He brings out a kinder, more trusting side to me that I thought was lost years ago.   Right now we are both on methadone again.  I haven't been to an AA meeting since I relapsed.  I don't plan on getting back into that scene.  Right now I am focusing on my mental health and my financial situation trying to improve both.  I started taking psych meds two months ago.  I am in counseling and I am working on applying for SSI for my bipolar disorder and PTSD.  My depression has been really bad the past few months and I've had a hard time leaving the apartment, sometimes even getting out of bed is a chore.  Sometimes I don't feel like a real person, I feel numb and like my mind is completely blank, that's another reason I want to start writing again.

My birthday was June 20th and I turned 26.  Three days later my father died.  He had been battling liver cancer for almost five years.  My father told me that one of his last wishes was to see me safe and to know that I would be okay.  I am trying to keep this in the forefront of my mind.  I miss my dad a lot.  I don't have much else to say about that right now.

Me and my Dad in Arkansas a couple years ago.

 



I am going to try and write in this at least once a week.  I'm going to try to write more honestly than before and to write for my own benefit as opposed to worrying about how what I write might be perceived.  I do want to help other people with my story but I think I need to focus more on helping myself right now, because shit has been really fucked up.  I don't want to give up on life but I can feel myself slipping away more and more each day.  This is my way of trying to grab ahold of something.  More later, thanks for reading.

<3 Zenith Chasing